confusion

So now I have an interview next Wednesday for a promotion. I'm starting to feel inadequate. A coworker did tell me today that the boss said she would be surprised if I was still in my position by January; they think I will get promoted and leave my current department. I guess it's good they have faith in me!
This promotion is a senior caseworker in foster care....I used to work in CPS (investigation hotline reports of abuse) though job. I asked for a transfer out about 4 years ago. Now I want to go back to that kind of work? This position wouldn't have such a sense of urgency, whereas in CPS you had to make a 24 hour risk assesment which meant you had to go right then and there when you received the report to make sure the child was safe. Siobahn still works there; I commend her, it was too much for me. So why do I feel inadequate? I keep telling myself you can do anything, take the challenge, use your degree. I guess I'm afraid that I can't do itand someday someone will think or find out I am a bad caseworker. But I don't really think I am, I look at other people in the position, some are really bad, and some of theose bad caseworkers have been promoted. I think with civil service they have to choose betwen a limited number, and at somepoint you reach a group that isn't so good, so they have to pick the least worst one and promote them.
I just have to tell myself that it is all in God's hands and that things happen for a reason and it will all work out, and if I don't get it, there was a reason and there is a better plan.
I go to church, I am catholic. I may not agree with everything that my religion says (abortion) but I believe and I try to be good, I figure we all have to answer for our own sins...anywho...I got an early Christmas present. I wanted a ring that had the crucifix on it and was told to pick it out....well it's in and I am wearing it. It makes me feel good. It makes me want to be a better person. I have to find comfort in that.

confusion

So now I have an interview next Wednesday for a promotion. I'm starting to feel inadequate. A coworker did tell me today that the boss said she would be surprised if I was still in my position by January; they think I will get promoted and leave my current department. I guess it's good they have faith in me!
This promotion is a senior caseworker in foster care....I used to work in CPS (investigation hotline reports of abuse) though job. I asked for a transfer out about 4 years ago. Now I want to go back to that kind of work? This position wouldn't have such a sense of urgency, whereas in CPS you had to make a 24 hour risk assesment which meant you had to go right then and there when you received the report to make sure the child was safe. Siobahn still works there; I commend her, it was too much for me. So why do I feel inadequate? I keep telling myself you can do anything, take the challenge, use your degree. I guess I'm afraid that I can't do itand someday someone will think or find out I am a bad caseworker. But I don't really think I am, I look at other people in the position, some are really bad, and some of theose bad caseworkers have been promoted. I think with civil service they have to choose betwen a limited number, and at somepoint you reach a group that isn't so good, so they have to pick the least worst one and promote them.
I just have to tell myself that it is all in God's hands and that things happen for a reason and it will all work out, and if I don't get it, there was a reason and there is a better plan.
I go to church, I am catholic. I may not agree with everything that my religion says (abortion) but I believe and I try to be good, I figure we all have to answer for our own sins...anywho...I got an early Christmas present. I wanted a ring that had the crucifix on it and was told to pick it out....well it's in and I am wearing it. It makes me feel good. It makes me want to be a better person. I have to find comfort in that.

emotions flowing

I have a friend Paul, and he has friends; Dan and Val. They all went to high school together. We used to get together on the weekends and play board games and cards, insult each other and have fun. Dan and Val are wonderful together, she is so nice and he is like a child who needs to be taken care of- in a good way though; spoiled I guess. When he went to college, he lived on campus, and that was across the river in the same town! But they referred to Dan as 'being away at school' and he didn't talk to them during the week!
They had a baby boy about the 1st year I knew Paul- this was about 10 years ago I'd guess. The baby was born with problems and died at 6 months old. Heart breaking. About 4 years ago Val was pregnant again. At 8 months pregnant, she lost the baby; a girl this time. Devastating.
They said they wouldn't go through it again. Who could? During that time, I lost touch with them. Paul was working fulltime and going for his Master's at Marywood on the weekends.
A few months ago we caught up, but things aren't the same. He is know living with a mate and very serious. He told me Val was pregnant and due the end of November, but they weren't going to find out what sex the baby is or do a nursery; they were being very cautious this time.
He called the 14th, Val had the baby; a girl and everything is great...and her name: Grace :-)
I wanted to make her a baby quilt, planned on it the last time. Tonight I rang their doorbell and gave them a bag. They were stunned to see me, I haven't seen them in a few years. They invited me in, said 'don't you want to see her?' YES I said, I was hoping to take a peek. She was sleeping and looks like an angel. I wanted to cry. And I have tears in my eyes as I write this....but why all this emotion....for people I haven't seen in years and wasn't even that close to? Maybe I am genuinely happy for someone who truly deserves it.

Today I went back to work after being off for 9 days.....of course I was dreading it, Mondays are awful, everyone has an emergency after the weekend and we are usually shorthanded. And there is a possible job change looming (irons in the fire). Today was a good day. I usually deal with the client's crisis and take care of the business at hand and have them on their way. I often try to extract the necessary info I need to help them and cut short the life story. I triage cases literally and see the most in my department. This is because I don't let them go on. If I don't need the info, I don't want to hear it and unfortunately, there are many people in the waiting room waiting for their turn to get the services we give; I simply don't have the time.
Not sure what it was today, but I listened more. To people who wanted to tell their story, going on incessantly, and it didn't bother me. It actually felt good...thye got to be heard.
Let me clarify here, I don't throw them out of my office. I give them their time, I just am good at getting the info I need in a short amount of time. Am I callous? I probably come off that way sometimes.

vacation's over

I'm not sure what to do with myself today; it is the last day of vacation. I have confirmed this after checking my lottery tickets and not winning, yup, gotta go back.
Dina is off tomorrow; she took all the rest of the Mondays off for h rest of the year. I took off the first 3 in December, so I will have another day off next week; something to look forward to.

I went to bed around 3:30am last night; up sewing-hand sewing while I watch tv. I am in the end stage of my projects and orders. Can tie them all up today. Part of finishing also means that vacation is over and time to go back to work so I think that if I don't finish them, or hold out, maybe my vacation will hold out too.
We get alot of days, compared to most places. After being there 13 years, and it feels like forever by the way, I get18 days and 4 floaters, so really 22 days; almost 5 weeks....never seems like enough. We can carry 10 over to the next year. I think I will be carrying 5 or 6, which means I will start out next year with over 5 weeks. Hard to leave and go elsewhere, where are you going to start with that kind of time, but then agin, if I really liked my job, I wouldn't need to be off so much!
All this talk about work has depressed me. I think I will go clean.

mixed feelings

I was looking at another blog, he was talking about work and how the job used to be enjoyable and no longer is. First of all, I am mad at myself for even thinking about work on my vacation. But I am in the same situtaion. I also had an interview on Monday for a change of scenery. It's the same employer overall, different department, same title and pay. They said they were inpressed that I came for the interview since I was on vacation. ow I don't know if I even want the job. It's a new pilot program. I will still have a job if it doesn't work out, but would have to go where there would be an opening which would most likely be CPS Intake....I've been there, don't want to go back. This new job is also back working with families and the foster care system.
Part of me says I don't want it, after all change is hard and uncomfortable, and although I am unhappy in my current position, I can do it in my sleep.
The other part says what's the big deal, it's a challenge and you are bored with your job now, AND you can do anything; rise to the challenge.
I am also on a civil service list for a promotion and there are a few openings. I could end up back in services.
I know what it is: There is no job anywhere I would do cartwheels over. I love to quilt and my dream would be to own my own shop someday, so anything else is just something to pay the bills. I hope they don't offer me the job, then I don't have to decide anything. What unpleasant thoughts, I'm going to sew.

vacation

I have been on vacation since Saturday, the 20th. This is, traditionally, my week off. We get Thursday and Friday as a holiday, so I try to get Monday through Wednesday off, then I get to have 9 days off (counting weekends) and only have to use 3 days of vacation. This is the week I try to get projects, gifts and orders done. Also to make sure the Christmas shopping is done or near done before the kickoff ont he 'big day'....this year I am referring to it as 'buy nothing day' because so many people go out.

I sisn't seem to get much done on the weekend, but Monday was a kick ass day. Yesterday, notas much got accomplished, but today....oh I have big plans for today. I am up and out of the shower already so it's a good start.

Some nights I come home from work beat and sit in my chair and watch tv all night, then I feel guilty about it, that I didn't get anything accomplished. I did that Friday night. But I now have decided to give myself the luxury of going to Barnes and Noble once a month and getting a beverage and sitting down with the stack of quilt magazines...today may be the day...tonight I should say. We will see how far I get today. Of course my driving force is that I will get lots of money when I return to work Monday with all my orders.

I have lots to do so I won't go on any longer, today is the halfway point.

inspiration

No, the Constitution should not be amended so Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhnold can run for President. How is he doing anyway as govenor? Whose name did he run on, the hollywood star or famous political family wife? I really don't know that much on it to comment but have strong feelings toward it not being amended for him. I may have to research that.

I went on a trip with my fellow quilters...we are called a guild. It's called Quilter's Day Out. A day away from the family I guess, a day out of the house. I am fortunate as far as no one to have to cook dinner for or kids to tend to...I could sew everyday. Infact, I try to.
There were about 180 women there, different guils. A luncheon, a speaker, vendors, raffles, door prizes, and show and tell. Women get to show their quilts and tell their tale and it is inspiring. It was held at The Inn at Shawnee on the Delaware, past Stroudsburg, PA. The place was magnificemt, it looked like the place in Dirty Dancing; Kellerman. It had huge porches and we sat in the sun and I worked on the edge of my quilt before it started. We had arrived about 2 hours early in time to register, browse and mingle.
I am also fortunate that I live 10 miles from Pa, I live in NY....and I can play both lottery, for what that is! But no one won either and they are both high jackpots. So on the way home I fueled up before hitting the high gas and tax state of NY and bought my Powerball ticket. I hope to have a Kellerman of my own...my quilter's retreat and fabric store. Ahhhhhhhhhhh, it's good to dream.

great days

I kept saying 'that bastard is going to get off'. Well it looks like justice will be served. I, of course, am talking about Scott Peterson. I haven't followed the trial, but I believe he is guilty. I am glad I didn't have to serve on that jury....5 months of testimony. I couldn't look aat crime scene photos. How anyone could do that is beyond me. Besides, who am I to judge?

I was off today, after a holiday yesterday; and now the weekend. A nice 4 days off. I was at stained glass most of yesterday, after taking the cats to the vet. I am single with no 'children' other than cats and the vets was hard enough. Watching the vet as he listened to her with his stethoscope and his facial expression. She has a heart murmur; a mild one-just watch her for now. She also has arthritis in her knee! She's 12 1/2. Then there are the twins, who just turned a year in Sept. They all had to have shots. I don't know who it's worse for...

So today I went for new tires. Had a scheduled appoinment, brought a book; was painless. Then off to a quilting pal's to sew. She mothers me, it's nice. I feel cozy and happy and relaxed there. We eat lunch that she made for me, yummy chili. Then watch the quilt show on tv and I start to doze. She decides to make brownies while I am all snuggled in the recliner. While they cool, we go sew again. She goes up and comes down with hot chocolate and brownies. What a great day, I could get used to this.

Tomorrow Dina and I plan to go to Lowe's, maybe we will play the role of helpless females and see what happens! A little lunch and some Christmas shopping.

did I mention

Did I mention I hate winter? Don't worry, you'll hear me complain in the summer when it gets unbearably hot out. But it's too early, we still have a long way to go.
I had a flat tire when I got out of work yesterday.....again. It's been patched twice, and it's a 50K mile tire, with only 24K on it, but of course, I didn't get them rotated every 5K, so the warranty is no good. Can hardly wait to spend first thing Friday morning, on my vacation day, getting new tires.
Frequent readers will know that the car was fodder for comment last week as well.
I told Dina that they have bars where cops, or firemen hang out, and we need to go to a 'mechanic' bar! Men gotta be good for something, right? :-)
Did I mention that I could very easily become a recluse, never leaving the house again? I can order just about anything I need online; all my supplies. I could go to the store and stock up for several months on food. The only thing I would miss would be milk-for my cereal....but I suppose if money were not an object, you could have your groceries delivered. I opt for that. And that is why I have my MegaMillions ticket for tonight's drawing. I am hopefully holding the 90 million dollar winner. Every lottery night I tell my co-workers it's been nice working with them and that I need to spend the last hour of work packing up my office, for I know I have the winning ticket. I think they just smile and nod now; they know the routine. Hey, ya never know....

ramblings

You know what I find funny, not ha-ha funny; funny-odd....I don't know why I keep a blog. Who sees it? Who really cares. I'm not one to toot my own horn or use big words no one knows( especially myself). I don't think one should have to reference a dcitionary to read another's blog, but that could be just dummy me. Sometimes Siobhan uses big words, and Dina looks at me and I tell her a simpler work....Siobhand might say didactic, and Dina will look at me like what is she saying and I look at her and say teacher. Not that I have a vast vocabulary myself.

So I think, oh maybe I'll write something, what sound I write? So I look at other's blog and see if it stirs my creative juices. Nope.
I receive a job board listing online and just finished looking through it, how depressing. I mean, I don't like my job, but sometimes- like now, I am thankful I have one. I have been there 13 years and of course we all feel we are underpaid, especially us in the single, no dependents category who get the shit taxed out of us only to see it get refunded in the form of earned income credit tax refunds to those who receive amounts in the thousands although they paid only hundreds in taxes, but I'm not bitter. Phew. Back to the matter at hand, those jobs on the board, want lots of education and experience and start out at peanuts. I'm glad I am not fresh out of college and in the job market. There is no way I could start anywhere new making my current salary, I would have to take a pay cut to get a new job; again, how depressing.

I also never start with a title in my blog. I write first, then see what it's about and then title it. not rocket science here.

I puttered a bit tonight, nothing exciting here though. I went to get brown pants to go with this great turtlemeck sweater I have.....by the way, why do they call it a turtle neck? I have no answer for this.
So I walk into the store and it's quiet, except for the girl, who apparently can't shop alone, because she talked on her cell phone the entire time. I hate cell phones. I have one, but I keep it on vibrate. And I don't use all my minutes, I'm just not that important. My mom has one too, but hardly carries it and my grandmother gets mad. She asks me what if I need to get ahold of her in an emergency. I asked my grandmother what did people do before cell phones....AND this coming from a woman who won't use a microwave, nor does she own one. She's afraid of them, no, she doesn't have a pace maker. My phone is a business phone for my quilting business, a necessity and still I hate it. Sometimes I call Dina on it, just to use some minutes, I may as well get some use of it and justify the cost of having it.
I'm thinking of not getting dressed tomorrow.

Contemplative

A few hours ago I was ready to write a book here. But I ended up working on a quilt which involves running a professional quilting machine. I do a lot of thinking there.
The old Grace can't stand to think about birthdays, getting older, wanting to turn back time.
This morning I woke with a little jingle in my head.....just a sing/song thing..." I am the birthday girl, the birthday girl, the birthday girl." Good start.
I received the most beautiful bouquet of flowers, from a friend who resides in Texas. He used to live here. We've been friends for about 13 years. He's gay, not that that matters...but we're just friends. Pretty good friends I guess, but nothing close to Dina and my relationship. The card said "I love you" and it had a funny name that is a joke between us. We've never said those words to each other in 13 years. Odd.

A part of me wants to be 6 again- ever hear of the poem? Parties, cake, presents....the biggest concern at that age was who got the flower on their piece of cake. Tonight it was quiet, just mom, Dina and Siobhan. We went out to dinner, where that was loud, but it was an intimate celebration. Means more.
I admire Siobhan. She often wanders into store, putters. Today she sat in Barnes and Noble for awhile- sometimes she does it for hours. She just absorbs knowledge; many topics. I want to putter, 'waste' away an afternoon. Feels good for the soul. But I feel like if I did it, I wasted time. There are so many quilts or projects I want to do or could be doing. Of course, there's housework or laundry; there always will be. I think I did do it a few weeks ago, just puttered around the house, then I feel guilty, like I wasted the weekend.
It makes me want to hurry and catch up on all my projects so I can do it the week of Thanksgiving when I am off.
Tonight I got to be on the receiving end of getting a gift that comes from the heart. When I make a quilt for Dina or Siobhan, it usually means something. One looked like a bookcase. And most of the books had titles on them that meant something to her. The 'shelves' included candlesticks, vases, actual photos of her family.
All 3 of us possess the 'same' quilt....3 ladies sitting on a couch, we each have one which I made...details like hair color, glasses and what is in their hands pertain to each of us...personalized. And all 3 of us have a 'woobie'. It is a flannel lap quilt made of fabric that is called "True Friends". When we go to Lancaster we all bring our woobies.
I like to see the person's face when they receive a "Grace original" made for them; specifically for them. Tonight Siobhan gave me an art book she made. On the cover was quilt angel and my face was pasted on it from a picture. More pictures in side and little vignettes, some we really laughed at and I told her I want to edit her photos! Some we really sweet and sentimental. I know what it feels like now to receive something made especially for you, from the heart.....those gifts are always the best.

brrrrr

I usually check my email in the morning, wrapped in a towel after my shower.....I know, you didn't need to know that. But this morning my friend said there was so much frost on everything that it looked like snow. Yuk. So that now changes my morning routine. Now I get dressed and ready, then start the car and come back in and read my mail, giving it a change to warm up. I don't scrape!
It's that time of the year. I usually ignore my birthday, if I deny it, then I can't get any older right? Well it's tomorrow and that is settling in. But I seem to be ok with it....I usually freak out about it. The 5's hit he hard 25 and 35, well it's 36 tomorrow so I guess I'm ok.
This year I am focusing on the positive, what I have, as opposed to what I don't; not married, no kids, job I hate. Looking at our world today, I have so much to be thankful for.
I guess Grace is getting sentimental in her old age! Can't wait to see what I come up with tomorrow!

just a girl

I know I am just a girl, but I also know my muffler has a hole somewhere, not loud enough to bother with yet. Monday night I see something hanging under the car about half way in the middle of the car. Now it is scraping. Must be the pipe hanging. So I take it to Midas tonight, where I swear I had a muffler replaced already a few years ago. The guy takes it in, puts it on the lift and comes out a bit later and gives me the news. Top of the muffler has a hole and the pipe is connected to it; one piece, can't replace one with out doing the whole thing.
He also tells me that I need this and that flushed, rotors are rusting, antifreeze needs to be changed, power steering fluid is black and smells like it is burning. Gives me a mid $300 estimate. I notice the hood of the car is up while it is on the lift. He can pull off the bracket that is hanging; the pipe looks fine. I tell him I'll do the muffler later, it's not that loud now.
He tells me if I have 'little ones' I should get it done now because with the colder weather, you drive around with the windows up and the carbon monoxide sneaks in, not good for the little ones. I decline, tell him I'll work on it, ask if I owe anything for now. Nope....great!
I'm driving home and it hits me....and I might add here, a little late, because I am usually great with comebacks and a bit witty.....bit I digress....
I know I am just a girl, but I thought the muffler was under the car. Why does he need to open the hood, and what does the power steering fluid have to do with a muffler?

short and sweet

I am so glad it is election day, not because I follow politics, but because I am tired of all the ads!
I'll make this short and sweet: 2 words for you: GO VOTE