a final thought

Dina and I went to lunch today. It was a nice unseasonably warm day and so my hair was pulled back. It was also brighter out. All this led to many, many gray hairs showing. Where did they all come from? I mean I know I have gray but all of a sudden they have friends. Maybe it is time to come into the dying age- as in coloring my hair. I am resisting it as long as I can. I have red hair, yes natural. As a kid, it was bright and I hated it because I was called carrot top and all kinds of names. My mom used to tell me people pay money to get your hair color and I used to say they can have it. Well, now that I am older, I don't want to have to pay money to have my OWN hair color.
The other funny thing about aging...tonight when I got online, sites were bigger. I was reading another blog and I thought maybe he increased his print for aging eyes, but all the blogs came up that way. Maybe mom did something.
This is the year things happen, right? I would love for Dina and I to double date. At least we would have fun even if the date were bad! This is my 'transition' year. I am not comfortable at my current weight and so I WILL lose the weight this year and next year will be the one where it all falls into place....gotta think positive.
Where does one find a mate? church? grocery store? work? My church has alot of young familes or eldery, no younger singles- which is too bad, I would love to meet someone from church. I like my church and my faith is important ot me. Work- not in my current position since I interviewed people for asistance programs, people who qualified because their income was too low, but mainly people not working. Sorry, but gainfully employed is something I look for in a mate.
I say mate, because I am looking for a soul mate :-)
So this year I come out of my cocoon and become a butterfly. I'll gather and study and plot and plan.
Happy New Year!

vacations

I am feeling better, but I feel like I wasted my vacation. I did get a quilt done today that was an order. That feels good to have it done.
My friend called from Texas, said he wanted to go to Las Vegas and lets go. He'd even buy my ticket. If I had half his money, I could burn mine! I declined. It is just after the holidays. So after I hang up the phone I start thinking, awwww, just go. But I do start a new unit Monday, so it's probably not a good time to go. I'm thinking though, that he's thinking the mid to end of January; it's our 'anniversary' of being friends. We went to Las Vegas last January.
I could walk around in a sweatshirt cuz 50s are warm there for me compared to cold NY. People are in winter jackets there in that weather. Unfortunately if you go this time of year, it is for one purpose; gambling and carousing. What else is there to do? At least in warmer weather you can swim and lounge by the pool.
Besides Dina and Siobhan will be taking a trip in April to unchartered waters for me....just think of that.
Suddenly the thought of going back to work has me panicked and uneasy and in need of looking forward to another vacation already; and this one isn't even over!

the sick bed is open for business

We have a spare room, used to be my bedroom when my brother lived home. Boy was I happy when he got married and moved out and I got the big room; his. It has a twin bed in it; our guest room and the computer and a tv and vcr (I know we haven't come into the DVD age yet). This bed is also the sick bed. Our bathroom is on the 1st floor so when we are sick we sleep in the as opposed to being upstairs in your own bed...far, far away from the bathroom.
This bed also gets stuff piled on it, especially during the holidays. Well I have had a cold, very slight one, for about 3 weeks and it chose to rear it's stronger part about Christmas. So last night, after cards-Dina made me go- I came home and unpiled the sick bed.
I spent the night there and, from noon on, today in the recliner. I watched several of The Real World on MTV....why do they call it that? There is nothing real about it. The Surreal Life is a little closer, but hey, I wish I could go spend 6 months living in a luxurious house, not having to hold a real job or buy food or pay bills. I wish my biggest choice was which boy to dance with or which club to go to. I don't watch it much anymore; infact I don't watch much tv at all and now I know why. I remember watch The Real World 3 years ago, when they filmed while 9-11 happened. It was Aneesa's birthdy and all she could think of was how it was her birthday and now it was spoiled because of what happened and she would always have that constant reminder on that day. wahhhhhhhhh.
A woman at work's daughter was married this past year on September 11th. Life does go on; luckily for us.
I can't believe the Tsunami disaster. Those images keep running through my mind. I pray for the people, and all that challenges them. Millions homeless. Dead in the streets and the threat of more death due to the unsanitary conditions they are now in. I am thankful to be living in the real world even in my sick bed.

2005 is coming

Funny, every year I say the next one will be better or different. I'm thinking of New Year 'improvements', not resolutions, because I don't usually keep them. This year I took a stained glass class and went to Yankee Stadium....2 things I always wanted to do. So this coming year, I think, what can I do....other than the obvious; lose weight, exercise, eat right.
Well I have a 2 year plan, but don't really think it will happen. I told Dina this coming year I need to lose wieght so next year I can get married and have a baby. Ummmm, 1 small problem.....gotta meet a man. Short time period here. Not just some fella on the street, like hey, it's January 2nd and I'm supposed to get married this year, so how 'bout it? I want THE one. The one who makes your heart skip a beat, the one you look forward to coming home to all day long. The one who makes you laugh and makes you feel safe, whole; complete. Does anyone know him?
Anyway, I think I've watched too many love stories on Lifetime!
What will I do in 2005? I don't know, but i have 5 days to figure it out.

liquid presents

Dina spoils me soooo much. My mom too. I got something for Dina for her birthday about 2 weeks ago that I knew she really liked, but would never get for herself. The only problem with that is that she did just what I thought she would do for christmas....go overboard on me. That wasn't the plan.
Last week at mass, Fr. Tom was saying he wasn't going to preach about people going into debt to be the most popular person at Christmas. I like to do special gifts for the people who mean the most to me. Not just 'gotta get them something'. I knew Dina would like the picture.
One of the many great gifts she gave me was a few bottles of wine, and I am enjoying one now! Liquid presents are the best.
I gotta tell you I am glad last night is over, considering I walked out of our traditional gathering at my grandmother's last night. Maybe we'll talk about that another time. I did it a few years ago, different uncle I fought with. Mom asks me to go, it's just a few hours, and my grandmother is 86 years old and who knows. I really don't think I can do that next year. If I had a shrink, they would probably tell me it's not good for me. I didn't get to see my aunt open the stained glass piece I made her or my uncle the quilt I made him....hope they liked it.
Maybe I can get married in the next year and go to his house for Christmas Eve!

new ideas

We didn't go the funeral. Mom said no one was going because of the weather-it was near Buffalo and we was afraid of the snow- so we didn't go....I find out after that my uncle went. I would have gone with him. Terrible. I hope people don't feel that way when I die. But then again, I'll be dead, so I won't care.
I am officially done with work this year. That feels good! Can I fast forward to Dec. 26th please?
I have been thinking abou the baby thing alot lately. I am 36; clock is ticking. I am not even dating anyone. My old boss at work tells me her daughter was inseminated last week- unfortunately it diidn't take, but they are going to try again on New Year's...hope it works for her. Brave, to have a child knowingly alone. I mean alot of women end up single mother's but she knows that from the get go. Clock's ticking for her too.
I got the general info, but my problem- money. Daycare is a fortune. I have a friend who would supply the ingredients, I 'm pretty sure, and he woudl probably help financially as well, but do I want him involved? At least if you get the stuff from a bank or center, there's no custody dispute.
Too much to think about for now, not to mention that I don't think my health insurance will cover it, so i would have to change that as well.
New Year coming. We'll see.

odd

My mom's aunt died Friday; my great aunt. We were just at her husband's funeral in April, just days after my mom's brother died...that was a rough week for her. I feel so bad for my cousin....I can't imagine losing both of your parents in the same year- 8 months apart. How awful. I am truly thankful for my mom.
They reside about 3 hours away. I am off Monday and Friday this week, now Tuesday as well for the funeral. Just 2 days of work this week....my last week in my current position. Tuesday is out unit Christmas party...all are bringing something, I was in charge of a dessert, cake....made from scratch I'll have you know. They were also calling it my 'goodbye party'. I won't even be there for it.
In these last few weeks of this year and holiday sesason. many are scrambling. I know my mom is. Trying to bake and buy gifts. By the way, she is retired. I work a fulltime job and run a business on the side and I managed to get my shopping done and wrapped. I don't understand why people wait till the last minute...Christmas comes the same time every year; it wasn't a surprised or something we sprang on you.
Anyways, while all are in chaos, I am completely at peace, amazing.....and it feels good. :-)

new news

Haven't you been dying to find out what happened? Thanks for asking. Siobahn came in and told me who they picked for the higher up position. I knew, based on that, that I didn't get it. I remember sitting there feeling trapped. At least when I was interviewing I had hope that I could get out. I get bored easily and needed a change desperately. My mind wandered and I thought I better pay attention to what she is saying.
Well it turns out they couldn't reach me- damn civil service- but offered me a lateral position to transfer in that unit. I actually thought about it, and then said to myself, are you crazy? You felt trapped a few minutes ago, you HAVE to take it, and what's the big deal, you were prepared to leave for a promotion to that very unit. So, I accepted. My big boss is pissed. They can deny a lateral transfer request but they can't deny a promotion. So I didn't think they were going to let me go. Departments discussed and fought and I am starting the new position Jan. 3rd.
So I started disassembling my office. It was quite homey, with quilted wallhangings, shelves with pictures and figurines; lots pf pretties. Now it looks institutional.
Turns out no one is off the week after Christmas, so I ask my boss for it off and get it. The big boss came by and looked at my office and said it looks so plain and that it's going to be hard to sit in there without all the pretties for that long a time. Little does she know I only have to look at it for 4 more days. Funny how they couldn't let me go when upstairs wanted me.....I'll be spending that week on vacation. I'm afraid she will find out and cancel my vacation.

stick to what you know kid

I wish I had millions of dollars and could just give presents, just to see the look on people's faces; sheer surprise.
Last night we had a dinner party for Dina's birthday which is Monday. Dina has such a childlike quality to her in that she truly appreciates things. He face lights up like a kids on Christmas morning when she gets excited. I love to watch her face. I cooked the meal with Siobhan's help- who is an amazing cook. It was a role reversal for us. Just a bit ago, we were in her kitchen and she was learning how to make a quilt. I like to cook when I want, not when I have to. I'd eat cereal every night for dinner if I could! My mom isn't the best cook, her extent of using herbs and spices is pepper. My aunt says that my father didn't like alot of spice, so she never used it.
Siobhan and I were looking at a recipe which calle for 4 herbs and I said we didn't have them, never used them. She asked, 'what were you brought up on, bad food?' Yes I said- that's why I eat out alot! Mom says onions give her heartburn, so if I cook she complains if there are onions in it.....why make anything then- it won't have any flavor?
Lst night we made this awesome chili, it had 2 cups of onions in it, she'd have shit a brick- even though they cook down!
Everything was made from scratch, even the cake and frosting- no box mix here! I think I'll stick to quilting! It would be wonderful if we all lived together, I could quilt, Siobhan can cook, and Dina can bake.

decision

Today they are supposed to make a decision on the position I applied for. I am off all the Mondays this month so I won't be there to hear, or worry! I have lots to do today so that should take my mind off it. The funny thing is that I'm not dying to get it...that doesn't mean it will lessen the blow if I don't, then I'll feel very trapped in my current job. Well, I don't want to think too much about it, so I'll go get productive.