we're all f'd up
Remind me that I said this: I think I like my job. I need to remember good things; happy moments. Sounds wacky. Well, I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I knw a month ago I felt frustrated not knowing things; learning a new job. Not that I have it down pat now. But I have a better grasp. And I don;t find it very demanding, infact I didn;t have much to do today. So I feel like I am missing something. Case conference with my supervisor today; she tells me constantly how happy she is to have me there and I am doing a good job, and when I tell her I think I must be missing something, she says no, you are organized and a good worker.
I had changed departments about 7 years ago and had said I felt like I was sprung from prsion...that was short lived, but then again, the boss was nuts; changed her mind all the time about what we were to be doing. Several people left that department. I have to keep telling myself that was the reason, otherwise I will be expecting things to go sour here. But I think I like it. Funny, people ask me how the new job is going and I tell them, ok, so far until I'm told otherwise. I keep thinking they're gonna call me in and say why didn't you do this, or that. Cuz, no one told me!
I went to have my taxes done today and it was good, real good. So I'm driving home and thinking, just enjoy being happy. for now.
But here's the thing. Recently I got an email from an old friend. We were best friends, we went thru alot together in our teens; those were some crazy times. She got pregnant back then, long story, but I was there. Now she is divorced with 2 kids, (1 I've never met.) She tells me what's going on in her life...and it's not that great- like she won the lottery or has a great career, but has grown up and has responsibilities and a teenager. I find myself comparing myself to her and where I am at and feel short changed. She asked if I have a boyfriend. I don't want to email back and tell her I still live at home. It sounds so pathetic. C'mon, I tell myself, you have a 4 year degree, a good job, no- a career (I guess) at least I think I will retire from this place. So why do I feel like I don't measure up?
Mom takes grama to bingo every Wednesday night. I had dinner with another quilter in the neighborhood, so I stopped to say hello. I knew alot of the ladies at bingo, said hi too. Mom is introducing me to people this is MY daughter, she says. Grama is happy to see me. We visit. Mom tells me she's glad I stopped. Grama says don't go yet, stay.
I'm driving home and I'm thinking I'm glad we're there for each other, I couldn't leave her. I don't know what I'd do without her.
But what about that feeling that life passed me by, I didn't have kids. On some levels I am so unhappy, and on others I am happy, at least I think I am, for now.
I had changed departments about 7 years ago and had said I felt like I was sprung from prsion...that was short lived, but then again, the boss was nuts; changed her mind all the time about what we were to be doing. Several people left that department. I have to keep telling myself that was the reason, otherwise I will be expecting things to go sour here. But I think I like it. Funny, people ask me how the new job is going and I tell them, ok, so far until I'm told otherwise. I keep thinking they're gonna call me in and say why didn't you do this, or that. Cuz, no one told me!
I went to have my taxes done today and it was good, real good. So I'm driving home and thinking, just enjoy being happy. for now.
But here's the thing. Recently I got an email from an old friend. We were best friends, we went thru alot together in our teens; those were some crazy times. She got pregnant back then, long story, but I was there. Now she is divorced with 2 kids, (1 I've never met.) She tells me what's going on in her life...and it's not that great- like she won the lottery or has a great career, but has grown up and has responsibilities and a teenager. I find myself comparing myself to her and where I am at and feel short changed. She asked if I have a boyfriend. I don't want to email back and tell her I still live at home. It sounds so pathetic. C'mon, I tell myself, you have a 4 year degree, a good job, no- a career (I guess) at least I think I will retire from this place. So why do I feel like I don't measure up?
Mom takes grama to bingo every Wednesday night. I had dinner with another quilter in the neighborhood, so I stopped to say hello. I knew alot of the ladies at bingo, said hi too. Mom is introducing me to people this is MY daughter, she says. Grama is happy to see me. We visit. Mom tells me she's glad I stopped. Grama says don't go yet, stay.
I'm driving home and I'm thinking I'm glad we're there for each other, I couldn't leave her. I don't know what I'd do without her.
But what about that feeling that life passed me by, I didn't have kids. On some levels I am so unhappy, and on others I am happy, at least I think I am, for now.
posted by Lisa at 7:59 PM
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