Saturday, October 30, 2004

PS

Dina commented that she couldn't leave a comment, that has been fixed.

odds and ends

All week I have been looking forward to this weekend, I could sleep in and sew lots. Well I got up around 6:30am, so much for that.
I have his friend who puts her self down when it comes to her job. She works in Child Protective Services investigation reports of child abuse. I did it for 2 years, tough job; I transferred out....doesn't that tell her something! She compares herself to Dina and I. saying we are wonderful workers and how she wishes she could be more that. Ok, Dina is a great worker, conscientious, and goes the extra mile. Me, well I do more than my share and take on other's peoples work, but I call in when I get mad. I never used to do that. I don't like my job and make no bones about it to the powers that be, I'm looking for a transfer. I gues I feel bad because I know Siobhan works hard and stays late and sometimes I am so caught up I get to read. Luckily I have an ofice and can close the door. I have a co-worker next door who is going for her Master's . She does her homework most of he time at work and is behind in her cases, so what do I do? Take them from her and do them because I am bored. My interviews don't generally last long and this is the part I feel guilty about: if I can't help them or can solve it quickly, I don't want to sit there and have my clients go on and on about things that don't matter or will not change the case. Often I make decisions quickly and dispose of the case quickly and that is how I see more clients than others. I am not rude to them, it's just that there are others waiting to be seen, so I move one. There is another co-worker whose philosophy is that they waited their turn so they should have their time; I think she drags those interviews out. No one says anything to her; she is legally blind and her 'disability' comes in handy sometimes for her. Being legally blind has nothing to do with how long her conversations go. We do fill out a comment sheet, which she memorized, so she knows where all the info goes. She doesn't add many comments, so it shouldn't take long to fill it out. They know I will step up to the plate and pick up the slack. But what else can I do, sit around in my office till we all see the same number of people, I'd be bored out of my mind.
Well, now that I am up and my mind is working somewhat, I guess I will go accomplish something, so much for sleeping in.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

add on

I was just reading the comment on an entry and saw a link. I went to the link and read the daily prayer for today. I felt a calmness. Thank you DB :-)
It could be that the calmness comes from being out of the office today, to a regional meeting which required an hour drive in the beautiful sunshine; catching a glimpse of summer slipping away. I have had a camera in the car for the past few weeks, trying to catch the trees and leaves changing. Tonight I took a picture on the way home of the hillside. It has turned to rusts, maroons, and deep golds. I hope someday to do a lnadscape quilt, so I am collecting pictures.
I stopped at the glass place after work. I recently took a stained glass class and really like it. I haave made a few pieces but do not want to make the token suncathers. A friend gave me an old window from the barn they had; I had wanted to put some quilt blocks in there. I thumbed thru books and patterns, looked at glass and talked to Ruth. She lets me play with the beveled glass, going behind the counter to take all shapes and sizes and arranging it in different patterns. I played with beads, jewels and globs and Ruth gave me lots of pointers, knowledge and inspiration ans taught me how to frame my pieces with wood. I brought the window frame in, it has been in the trunk. We talked about a design and I will draw it and design it and Ruth will help. It will be a major piece if it comes out as good and the picture in my mind.
I thought I was just stopping in to look at the bevels and get measurements and walked out an hour and 45 minutes later with 2 little bags of purple glass beads........they will be grapes. And when I am done, I will enjoy the fruits of my labor (pun intended)!

songs

I am a song person. If someone says a word, it usually strikes a song in my head, and I start singing. Most days I wake up with a song in my head.
Today I am feeling good, like the fog is lifting and have lots of songs in my head. "I can see clearly now the rain is gone" and "It's a great day to be alive". Feels good, but then again it's only 7am!

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Grace's soap box

You know how I get my news? By reading the headlines on AOL. Sad isn't it. Of course the headline today is about leading issues and how you, the voter, feel about them; gay marriage, legalizing pot and smoking. Hold on while I get up on my soap box.... why is it a big issue if you marry someone of the same sex? Does being heterosexual and marrying someone who is also hetero mean your marriage will last any longer? be any stronger? does it mean you love each other more? No. You only go around once in this world, and if you are lucky enough to find true love, who cares what sex they are? Of course this question leads to gays adopting or raising children no, not that! Do you think they are going to sprinkle fairy dust on them and "make" the kids gay too? People are ignorant. I worked in CPS. Being hetro doesn't mean you will be a good parent either.
I don't have as strong feelings on the other 2 issues. Legalize pot. Take the drug dealer's profit out of it. Supply and demand. You don't see people hanging out on corners trying to buy alcohol. If it's readily available and legal, the cost goes down; you can get it anywhere. Let me clarify something here: I don't smoke it, and don't care about the convience to the pot smoker, but if y ou are that concerned as an employer: drug test at your company. Just because it's would be legal doesn't mean it's ok to do it...like alcohol, it's legal but it doesn't mean you can drink on the job.
Ok, onto the 3rd.
Smoking- the question is ' should smoking be banned in public'? You are asking the wrong person here; I am a reformed smoker and we are the worst! Yes it should be banned. I apologized to my friends for putting them thru having to deal with the smoke. I live in NY and you can't smoke in public ot bars or restaurants....except where there is not a paid employee; like a Legion or Elk lodge. I love it! We play cards on Mnday nights at a private club and I hate when we come out and I smell like smoke.

Onto a nice thought- for me anyways.
I have been 'searching' for something. It could be that my birthday is coming up in about a week and that always causes me to reflect back....it actually causes more depression about what I haven't accomplished. So back to this 'searching'....
I attend church regularly. I love to hear our priest speak; he is a wonderful speaker. I feel good after mass. I ask God to make me humble, a better person, not so judgemental. (In my line of work, I make judgements on people- are they lying to me) Some day we'll get more into that.
I always hope that nothing bad has to happen to me to make me humbler. So I try to look at people with different eyes. They say we should look for Jesus in everyone- let me tell you, he has on great disguises at times, but I can't see him in some people.
I feel that if I heard Fr. Tom speak everyday, I would have a better outlook. We went to a 'class' for 7 weeks and I felt wonderful while I was going. But I can't hear him speak everyday. I tried a scripture class last week, wasn't for me. I try to keep good thoughts.
I work for a human service agency and today I had a fellow who was homeless. He didn't want welfare, he wanted us to send him (bus ticket) to another area where he thought work would be plenty. All the way across the country. Due to regulations I couldn't do that (we are not a travel agency) but I actually felt for him and was about to give him $20 out of my pocket to get him as far as he could go- about an hour away. I eventually found another source for him, but was thinking 'hey Grace, you do have some compassion'. If I won the lottery, I would help so many people. It's hard when you see the abuses of the system not to be jaded, but I'm trying.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

throbbing

No, you sicko, not like that. This weekend I went to the wedding of a male friend, I'll admit it, a male friend I developed feelings for although he never knew. He's 13 years younger than I, we were strictly friends. We developed a very strong friendship very quickly. We see each other at work and he would visit several times a day and call at night. We'd talk nonstop about everything and anything. It felt good, it felt like dating someone. Some people at work assumed we were together. Then out of the blue he meets a girl and I'm cut off, just like that. It hurt....it hurt like hell, and still does. I spend alot of time thinking about how things were. I can't do that to myself anymore.
I think I did great at that wedding....it was hard, but what could I do, he has no idea. It sure is hard to watch someone you care for, or cared for strongly, get married; wishing you were up there on that altar instead of her. Knowing that you probably won't ever get married. I feel I am too old and set in my ways; I'll be 36 next week.
They say you know when you are in love, that you feel you can't live without the person. I don't feel like that. I think I loved the attention and the companionship. I don't hink I hve even been it love and I think that is sad. They say it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
So what am I getting at? I got through it. But this morning I woke up with a throbbing in my chest, like my heart was gonna break or jump out of my chest. I bent over to put on shoes and socks and when I stood back up, I thought I was gonna die. I told myself all the way to work it's gonna be ok. It did end about 10ish, all of a sudden it was gone. Is it anxiety? But why now? The hard part is over. I'm just glad it's gone. I'd prefer the other kind of throbbing-you sicko!

Monday, October 25, 2004

What's in a name?

I used to have a journal on another site but haven't written in it since May 2003. I am debating on whether to go back and read some of those entries. I think I am afraid to because I won't see any difference, what if I am still in the same place?
The name came from a pick up line....Hi, my name is Grace....and I'm amazing! (insert wink here). I don't use that line anymore, course I don't go out much anymore.

Another reason I stopped was because I didn't think I had anything to say worth writing about or that anyone would want to read. Well baby steps here Grace, it's a beginning.

I'm coming off a very emotional week and I'm sure alot of it will end up here, just need to process it abit first. More later....